The Headbanger Chromosome

The time has come, you have been waiting for this concert for months. Carefully over the past few weeks you have meticulously studied every album released as you plot out possible playlist for the show from opener to closer to encore closer. You plan your wardrobe out ahead of time making sure not to wear your favorite band t-shirt and be "that fan" at the show. The place is packed to the brim and you make your way to the middle of the crowd behind some hipsters you wonder if they even heard the obscure demo EP released before their first single. What chumps. The lights go black after the mediocre openers you'll never hear again. The chanting and clapping swells to a loud blare in your ears. You love it. You are ready to rock and the band rips into the opener you knew was coming. But then you notice all around you a few heads in the crowd not bobbing along. They are not dancing. They are not mouthing the lyrics. They are...just...standing there. The crowd is rocking to their hearts content and yet these scattered souls are...just...standing there.

There is a strange phenomena that occurs at rock shows I have noticed over the years. These citizens of Earth who appear to be avid concert goers stand at shows and do not move. No claps, no fist pumps, nothing. And yet they leave the show feeling fulfilled by witnessing a raucous show. But...they did not experience the concert. They just listened. What is wrong with these people you ask? They lack the genetic makeup to enjoy a concert like a normal person. It is not their fault.

Science is on the brink of unlocking what I dub the "Headbanger's Chromosome." The same crack teams developing cures for pancreatic cancer and World of Warcraft are hard at work for my upcoming book on the subject The Headbanger Chromosome: Why You'll Never Be Able to Rock as Hard as Them. Here is a sample on what this means in the world of science. The Headbanger's Chromosome is the genetic makeup in a person that enables someone to bob their head to music, sing aloud in their car like fools, and go nuts pointing and screaming at the lead singer during a concert reciting lyrics to the songs. The chromosome works on a sliding scale ranging from "I'm going crowd surfing and someone's gonna steal my shoe and throw it backwards into the crowd upon my floating" to "I love this song and I'm gonna bend my knees and do lunges in this crowd to prove it." It's a sliding scale of rock out abilities but it is clear who has the gene and who does not. Those lacking are the stiffs in the room. And they know who they are too. Ask yourself...do I lack the gene or do I know how to rock? You're friends know. Ask them